A Glimmer of Hope

Recently I was in my home state. I didn’t exactly expect to be contacted by my fractured friend because we no longer communicate but there it was sitting in my email.

Huh

It was an odd feeling. Not like I really was excited because I felt like I was only going to get belittled or told I’m nothing once more. This time though it was only a check in. It was actually nice.

I know don’t get too caught up in it right because it means nothing. I mean it is the person who basically used me me and threw me away. So why did it matter?

Well because I didn’t reach out. For once they did. There is a glimmer of hope in what we have gone through as friends. Still not holding out for a miracle.

DailyPrompt: Glimmer

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Clearing the Toxic Waste from your soul

Time often tells us who is right for our lives and who we should say goodbye too. Signs, symbols, messaging- all things great and small tell us when.

People who we often need to say goodbye too are toxic for us. They bring us grief, cause us stress and undue heartache. Recently, for many years I have dealt with this in my life and although I knew in the back of my mind that this person was toxic for me and that they were not respectful of me I still kept them in my life until it dawned on me, or what i call “the lightbulb effect” it clicked for me and the light came on.

I don’t need the toxicity in my life. I need to be free and don’t need to be in the darkness not knowing what will come next with them. What will their mood be, what will their day be like, when will I see them, do I matter. I was better than that and I didn’t need them to dictate any of those things for me.

Freeing myself from the toxic sludge so to say has been one of the best mind blowing exercises in life yet. Once I made up my mind that I was going forward with this change, I haven’t turned back either. If you have someone weighing you down, take a look at everything- you are worth it.

DailyPrompt: Toxic

When you tell it how it is

I laugh at the commentary I’ve received.

One line really is what I laugh at the most. In fact I shake my head at it and wonder what is wrong with this person, don’t they read all the way through and see that they treated me like an object and not as a person? Then I sigh and move on with my day as I’ve wasted too much time on them. It doesn’t matter anymore. I’ve expressed and exhausted my feelings, emotions, heart on them. The one line is this,

‘The disrespect is unprecedented. After all these years you’d think you would know my dry humor by now.’

And you would think you would be able to know how someone feels or how you hurt them as well with your cutting words.

Don’t ever let anyone treat you as if you are an object. Each person is more than that. We are people and if another person can’t see you for who you are them they don’t deserve you.

The word unprecedented still makes me close my eyes and count to 10 because I can think of 100+ times that I’ve been disrespected by my fractured friend and have let it happen yet they throw those words to me.

I know that this friend thinks they are ‘special’ because they have some credentials behind their name but that doesn’t matter if you don’t treat the other person as a person.

So laughing this one off and saying adios because I am a person, I am not an object.

We all walk away sometime

Some people we give so much of ourselves too. We put a lot of work into a friendship, a lot of hours of our life towards, and we devote time and energy to them enfolding those people into our life as if they become part of who we are.

When those individuals do not give back, don’t feel the same toward the friendship, don’t reciprocate with the needs you have as a friend yet call you a friend something dies inside. You begin to feel…less caring, less desirable to have their friendship or need to have them around. Have others felt this way?

I ask this because I have had a friend who has done this to me. I brought them into my world, took numerous hours out of my life for them, thought they cared because they said they did or did things that showed they did then turned and walked away; was the rock when they lost family members, was the person who helped them through manuscript writing and then I was also there when they needed ‘extra’. The problem is whenever I needed anything in return, support of any kind, a friend to engage in conversation, to talk to, to have a shoulder when a family member was lost or because they led me to think there was some connection there- I was slapped in the face with silence or commentary that they didn’t have time for that.

A friend should be there through the good and the bad, happy and sad, no matter what is going on. If you have a meltdown your friend is there. They aren’t there for just your needs. Maybe it is because my friend was a guy and not a girl, but I’m not the kind of person who has a lot of girlfriends, never have been. Don’t get me wrong I have wonderful girlfriends, but guys, except this one are truly great friends and tell me straight up how it is. This one just took advantage of my heart, my feelings and my soul.

Why am I saying this, well I walked away and they didn’t even care. I’ve heard nothing at all from this individual. Should I be thankful? Probably. Should I be angry? Have been. Should I be hurt? Yes.

I don’t care if this is how the person is wired and that they need to have ‘space’, do you not care if something happened to a friend? Do you not wonder when you don’t hear from someone for months if they are okay? It makes me wonder if I was really a friend at all or just an object. We should see people as people and not objects and I think that this person only saw me as that, an object.

Yes I am hurt, sad, angry, furious and feel like there is this unfinished business that needs to be said or a shoutfest between us but I also just want to cry from all the pain that I thought I was done with which they have caused.

Sometimes we just need to move on, forget about our friends who don’t give back and give to ourselves. That is the hard part, giving to me now. There is nothing I can do or say to make them realize they made a mistake and should be here beside me in the friendship. There is just nothing more to do.

Out with the old

I haven’t posted here in a while because i thought i was done with this fractured friend, unfortunately they had returned to my life for a while.

I have to say, it was decent. They were in most instances, nice. In others though, they were not. Let me explain. Do any of you have someone who can dish out the sarcasm to you but they can’t take it in return? Meaning the minute you say something sarcastic back to them they shut down, clam up, throw insults your way or tell you that you’ve taken it too far in the conversation, yet they’ve done the same thing to you and it is perfectly fine to them?

Well that has happened to me on more than one occasion with this friend in the ‘new recent’ friendship and I said ‘no’. No more.

Another instance, they wanted more as a friend previously and then just want to be friends now but want to know every little detail about everything you do and then proceed to tell you about all the women that they are going drinking with and what not. Um… yea I don’t play that game. Why would you think it is cool to do that? Honestly to me that is sick and disrespectful to a friendship especially if there was precious interaction with the other person on a physical level. However, this fool didn’t think so. Again, no more.

Then they wonder why when I email back that I am a bit, shall we say ‘put off’ by their lack of understanding in the situation.

So tell me folks, what part of fractured friendship do they not get here? They are disrespectful, rude, overly insensitive and hurtful.

This is a new year. New beginnings. Time to set the fractured straight and heal.

That inner detonation

It still bothers me to see things from this fractured friendship. A note, a message, even a simple phone number. It sets off an inner fire inside that is ready to detonate and explode with rage at seeing the things that I counted on as a friend but truly were just what I call “front facing bs” now.

Meaningless items that to some can be tossed aside and disregarded but to me it is painful and will take time to get over. I’ve said it out here before-I’m hurt. I thought I could rely on my friend to always be there but I learned the hard way and found out that they just lied to me all along. They broke my trust bubble and now when I meet new people I am constantly wary of becoming a friend or letting them into my inner circle. This person has left a deep scar on my life and it is taking a while to heal. With each item I see that reminds me and it isn’t like I keep a box of items around from them these things just pop up, like an email address or a phone number you can’t find them all at once, but when they pop up you see them and little explosions set off. 

I know one day I will be numb to it all, but for now the pain is real. 

Daily Prompt: Detonate

Is it ever final?

What is final?

Is it being done and walking away? Is it completing a race and never returning to the sport? Is it finishing a project and putting away the tools? 
There are a lot of ways that we define final but do we ever really mean final and walk away from it all or is there something in the back of our minds that always pulls us back  and never lets us go completely. I say this because we do another race, we pick up the tools to do another project or tweak a program and we never walk away entirely. 

Final is never final no matter how we look at it. I’ve tried and I wish it were easier. We move on and we do something else, go somewhere different, do another run with a new group, change the tools or the project but we never really can close the loop and call it final. I think it is just a part of life.

DailyPrompt:Final