Today I was hoping that my friend would come around and see the light. That maybe the holiday break or a couple days would have given them some time to think through our friendship. However there is still nothing back. No reply to email and on my skype it shows that we are no longer connected.
My initial reaction was ‘Wow!’ It is hurtful. After so many years and so much time being invested and shared how could they throw away everything? My second reaction was, ‘it could be a computer glitch’, maybe. However I am skeptical. They are so distant and I’ve reached out, I’ve apologized and I am getting no reach back at all. My third reaction is complete numbness. As I’ve said, I have reached out and apologized and there is complete silence. At one point in our friendship they’ve told me that I’ve helped them through one of the toughest times in their life. It wasn’t like they lost a job or moved. They lost a child. I was there for them, listened, would have dropped everything if they needed me too, but now when I reach out because I have a familial concern myself I find that they won’t even talk to me, won’t email, call, disassociate for whatever reason without explanation. I’m hurt. This is definitely a fractured feeling and I am going through a difficult decision of what to do. Not having closure right now or knowing if there should be is hard. The silence and the distance is hard for me, I guess because I am someone who doesn’t deal with being pushed aside easily. I trusted this person and now I feel betrayed.
What to do now…
We have all sorts of friends. We classify them into categories. Best friends, casual friends, work friends, mutual friends, family friends. We have all sorts of labels for them. What does it all mean at the end of the day? Who are they really to us? Is there a person out there that really cares what happens in your life and would come running if you needed them too?
The answer for some of our friends is yes. There are individuals out there that would be at our side 24/7 if we needed them to be. If someone called and said that they needed help our friends would be there. In some cases a significant other is our friend and confidant who would be there by our side whom we can count on to get us through a tough situation. Others that we need to rely on though are not always there. Take for instance a friend that I have known for over 12 years. I have been there for just about everything: births, deaths, promotions, job situations, book launches, marital issues, you name it I have always been the friend who has been on the other side providing support and the shoulder to lean on. However, in return when I have needed the same support and reassurance “the friend” has not been there to provide for me. Does it bother me that I am the giving person in the friendship- yes. Should it bother me? That is the ultimate question. It has recently been an uphill battle to get this friend to understand that I am running out of patience.
Another dear dear friend of mine has told me to cut my losses. It isn’t worth the fight she has said. Let this friend go, but I feel compelled to hang on because we have over the last 12 years shared quite a bit of our lives together. Maybe it is because I’ve shared more of my life with them than they have really shared with me. It could in all respects be that I’m hanging on in hopes that they will one day come around and see that they will be missing out and finally want the friendship. Maybe that is the twisted side of things. I like to work on things until there is nothing left but I think I need to learn to walk away from what might truly not be there. I need a friend who will be by my side if something goes wrong. I don’t need someone who will disappear when they don’t like something you’ve said to them because they judge you for some reason unknown to you.
So I write this first blog here and have called this blog The Fractured Friendship. It is exactly that. A friendship that is fractured, bits and pieces all over the place that I have no way of knowing what will happen next, where it will go or what will transpire from day to day. All I know is that there is something there to save just not sure how to save it.