The dreaded Dilemma

Not expecting it but again I had contact. I don’t get it and maybe I am not suppose to. Is it because now my friend is feeling hurt and lonely because I am not there? I’m not there to pick up pieces and brush them off to put them back together? I can’t be. It hurts too much. What hurts more is the contact this time came on Christmas. I wanted to cry and I wanted to throw my phone so I couldn’t respond because I know that is what they wanted. They know that I can’t resist the ‘do what is right and say Merry Christmas’. Oh how I loathed them when I saw the message. Oh how I was angry but I waited. I waited until I was ready to send a message. 

Now I sit and wonder if I should have. Now I wonder if it will happen again here today on New Years Eve. Will I once again get the same type on contact? This is crazy, why can’t they just talk to me? I try and put distance between and do nothing and they pull me back in. I feel like I am doomed to be their toy forever. 


Here we go again

I find it painful and humorous at the same time. I had contact briefly and now we are back to nothing. Nothing at all. Is it meant to be like this? It shouldn’t be because this to me is torture. Why do I even correspond and try to be friends with someone who doesn’t value friendship like I do? Is it a flaw or a part of me that says ‘you don’t treat others that way’. 

The new year is approaching us quickly and maybe I need to shed light on this friendship in a new way. Maybe the best thing is for me to let it go. It hurts me more than it does provide for me. There is no value added when they are silent and sporadically come into my life. I may just need to cut the ties and turn my back on them for once in 12 years and if they reach to me the next time, turn a silent ear to them and keep walking even though I’ll be shedding tears and feeling a knife through my heart. 

I’m just afraid of letting go.


I didn’t think it would happen. Haven’t heard anything and then out of the blue an email arrives. There has been contact, but why? What makes them think that I will want to foster a friendship after the way I’ve been treated? I’m torn between interacting yet I want to know the reason why there is contact now. 

I need to evaluate this and take a couple days, just hold on to it and wait. I figure why not, I’ve waited this long, they should as well. I know that seems childish but it’s still raw. Feelings are pulled in and I’ve done well to keep it together-until I was contacted. 

A little distance



So I found this the other day.  I am torn because I don’t know if I agree or disagree with this. 
On one side of the coin I agree that distance will help people recognize that you actually mean something to them. However, on the other hand I think that it only makes you grow further and further apart. Especially if you were told that they wanted a break to begin with. Why would they feel that you mean a thing after saying that?

So I see both sides. There is the good and the bad. Never cut and dry is it.

Expressions say a thousand words

I love this little girls face. I wish I knew who to give credit to for the picture because it is truly perfect. Right now this is how I feel about my friend- or what I call my fractured friend. ‘Don’t talk to me.’ 

It is difficult to even put into any other words how I feel about things right now. 

Anyone else feel this way about someone, please share. 

I don’t need a best friend

The words I heard today. You’re right ‘ I don’t need a best friend’ I just need my friend. I need the friend who use to be there, who understood, who cared, who didn’t get bent out of shape over an email. I need that friend. 

I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs after seeing my friend, or who I at least call my friend today because they haven’t talked to me in weeks. They needed a ‘break from our friendship’ they said. They would talk to me eventually but I am a strong person and they needed a break. Then are you really a friend? When I left the meeting location today I was beside myself. I felt like I was walking next to myself and asking me questions about what just happened. It was insane. I am questioning if being friends is worth it. 

I don’t need a best friend- well neither do I. I just want my friend back. 

Being friends is hard

Its hard being friends. There are no roadmaps, no instructions, no guidebooks, not even a recipe for how it should work between two people. Nothing can prepare you for disappointment, argument, or jealousy because all friends fight. They all have issues with each other and at times they don’t talk, that is what makes them friends. What holds them together though is that no matter what happens they are always there for each other. If the world comes crashing down, they are mad over something the other said, or they are just being stubborn- if a friend calls, emails, texts, cries, or stops by everything stops and friendship prevails. That is the bond they have between each other. Nothing matters because they are always there for each other. 

Fractured friends though need helps seeing that it is a given between two people, not an ‘I’ll be there one day but if you piss me off I’m not going to be there the next’. We can’t force them to see beyond their own blinders but we can remind them of what friendship means and if they don’t bite then the question is…

Do we walk away from it?