The Blues

When you walk away from someone although it is an instant gratification that they are gone, there is a period of time that you are down and for no other word to describe it-blue.

I promised myself that I wouldn’t go and look at my email. I wouldn’t. For two weeks now I have stayed away from my email and I’ve for the most part been fine but today something drew me to it. I laugh now but when I opened it earlier it was empty. I miss the interaction and I miss the every now and then conversations. I feel cold without the interaction but deep down I know that it is the right thing. They were a horrible person overall to me and even though I have had my moments of complete loss (7 step process of grief) I know it is the right thing to do.

There are the blues though and I can’t shake them. They are cold, gloomy and they follow me around lingering in the shadows.  I need something to get me through it all.

If I can only shake these feelings and moments of emptiness. If only.

Being off point and getting in touch with yourself

We go through our lives thinking that we know people and then we get a reality check. We don’t really know people at all. We have been fooled by them or we have been fooling ourselves into thinking that they were something more or something other than what they really are. It is really too bad.

I’ve come to realize lately that someone that I thought was a “nice” person, a “good” person is really just someone who uses others for their own gain. They are someone who puts themselves before others and never really cared about me at all. It took just a couple words for me to realize that it truly was a waste of my time after all these years.  It may seem strange to some for the words that I am about to put here but the words are “you were off point”. I was.  To me, it meant that they really didn’t care about what I was talking about. They weren’t following the conversation and were likely annoyed that I even brought anything up to them because all they really cared about was if I was going to “provide” for them in some other way. It dawned on me that it wasn’t right. I couldn’t be treated like this any longer. The chains were finally being broken from this friendship and I can walk away from it. “I was off point”. How many other things over the years was I off on?

I was steaming for a while but it really just set in that this person was not worthy of the person that I have been to them. They had no idea what I have given to them for years and years. Friendship, companionship, trust, myself, listening, empathy, etc. I now have a message for them because they have done nothing for me. They haven’t been there, they haven’t given me anything compared to what I’ve given them and no matter what happens from here on out- I am free.

They lost a good thing. Don’t talk to me for days, weeks, months. That isn’t my problem. I played by the rules and I did everything I knew how to. I can do no more for this friend. Yes it is hard to cut the cord but at the same time it is such a good feeling to let go.

Has anyone ever felt like that? If so share what you’ve felt. Have you been told you were “off point”.

Desire to walk away

I haven’t posted in a while because i have been super busy and well-things have been going well. However here is what I have now.

 I actually thought that things had changed between my friend and I. I thought my friend had come around and was ‘better’. Didn’t use me for what they wanted and was a changed person. I was no longer the one who was always reaching out first. Today even was the first day they said they’d call me, but I was wrong. I was played again. I am tired of being made out to be the doormat. I know you all are saying, ‘just walk away. Your friend is not worth it.’ You are probably right but I still want to know why. Why do they do this to me. What did I do to them to make them treat me like this? Why do they do it? Does that make sense?

It troubles me and I know I shouldn’t let it get to me but it digs deep. 

What do others do?

Let the anger go

For the longest time I was angry. Angry because my fractured friend didn’t bother to be a friend at all, care enough to call, email, text, do anything except be selfish and keep their distance. So I, being the person who I am had to push every feeling aside and keep my distance as well. I was angry for it, hurt by it, and destroyed. 

It’s been a couple months since I last spoke to them and my anger has subsided. My feelings are now numb and I am able to move on- or so I thought. Being as we work in the same field there was a powerful speech the other day on YouTube so I emailed it to them. I did not expect a response as I haven’t heard from them in months ( remember no phone calls, email, text- nothing) so why would I get anything back now right? Wrong. In my inbox there it was, a lone response. I was angry when I saw it and conflicted because I was the one who sent the email first so I shouldn’t have been so angry but my thoughts went to why not? Did you have enough space and time to think and now you want to be friends again? Are you ready to be friends? Is your head in the right place to be able to be a friend and have an adult conversation? All kinds of questions were going through my head but I told myself, ‘ put the anger aside. It won’t do you any good here. It is in the past. Let it go.’ 

Sometimes we may be angry and feel like we just can’t let it go but we must step back and breathe, count to 10 or more if needed and know it will be ok. 

I read the email after I breathed and counted to 10. I was stunned to find my friend, as I suspected, needs time and even though I emailed and they emailed back I am not in a place to open the friendship back up right now. 

It felt good to let the anger go. 

Daily Prompt: Angry

Small sacrifices

Everyday we make sacrifices. Some are large, extreme cases and others are small. Most of the time they are small and they go unnoticed. 

I’ve sacrificed my time and energy for this fractured friend for over a decade and gotten nothing back in return and found that all those small sacrifices build up to a larger more defined sacrifice that needed to be addressed- removal. It was time to no longer sacrifice my well being to provide for them. Although it is painful to not have them in my life, I will be better off for it. 

We also sacrifice many things for our children. We as parents will go without so that they will have something better. It is what we need to do for them. 

Sacrificing sometimes doesn’t always have to be a grand gesture either. It is a little thing like giving up your seat to an elderly person because it is the right thing to do. 

Go out of the way sometimes- it will make you feel better. 
Daily Prompt: Sacrifice

Scars on our lives

When we get a cut that is deep we scar. When the scar heals sometimes it disappears or becomes so faint that we forget it is even there. However, the scars that stay with us are the ones that are caused by those we care about- the people in our lives who we trusted, we cared for, we believed in. Those scars are left on our heart, in our minds, and burnt in our souls. 

Scars. The surface scars we can push aside or disappear from our lives forever- but the scars that we have on our hearts will never leave us. 

Daily Prompt: Scars

Disappointment through the years

Disappointment. It’s a heavy word. 

We learn from a young age that people can be disappointed in us for not helping our siblings with their homework, lying, not taking out the garbage, or various other items. Disappointment is all around us but we also learn to let it go and bounce back quickly. 

As we get older and feel more, disappointment is not as easy to let go. It sinks in and becomes part of our soul. Words don’t fall off as easily, we hit rock bottom when people put us down and tell us they are disappointed or they disappoint us. We take it personally when they hurt us. Disappointment becomes part of us. People say that it is easy to forget things and move on, but is it really when you have been disappointed by someone you trusted so much, gave your heart too and they ripped it to shreds? Is disappointment then so easy to get over?

I don’t believe that as we get older we get over disappointment as easily but if we could just let it all go I know it would probably make this world a better place overall. 
Daily Prompt: Disappointment